All Of Them
by Fenris13
Summary: Why? Why? Every single man! Every single one! All of them! They are all gay! Slight ItaSaku at end, Deidara...Many? Crackfiction! Rated T for sexual themes. There are crackpairings and there is YAOI and...some other stuff.


This is a crackfic. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRA--

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Sakura and Temari stared at their collective notes in horror. How? How could this be? All of them! All of them! All of the men in Konoha! Every single one! Even the ones who don't seem like it. They are too! Sakura spoke first, her left eye twitching, mouth agape.

"How could they _all_ be _gay!_ _All_ of them!"

Temari slowly shook her head back and forth, unable to believe it. "I...I don't know."

"Let's recount. Naruto is gay for Gaara and vice versa. Sasuke is just emo, I think he's asexual. Kiba and Kankuro have _something _going on. Have you ever even _seen_ them together before?"

Temari turned pale. "Once." Sakura cringed, sympathetic.

"Then there's Neji and Lee." They both shuddered.

"And Iruka and Kakashi." Sakura turned a little green.

"That isn't right, teachers aren't allowed to have _lives_, let alone _sex lives_." Temari nodded in agreement.

"I don't know if I even want to continue. The rest just shouldn't be mentioned. Like Jiraiya. I...I saw one of the orange books...don't look in the orange books. DON'T LOOK IN THE ORANGE BOOKS!"

Temari gripped Sakura's arms as they shook her shoulders back and forth in crazed warning, screaming about the orange books.

Hinata went a sickly pale green. "The...the Sandaime was a fan of those books. He...he read them. Oh Kami..."

Tenten looked at her. "How do you know that?"

Hinata shook her head. "The Byakugen. When you turn on the Byakugen, you see things. Things you never wanted to see. Things no one should ever, ever see."

They all patted her on the back.

Ino spoke up. "W-well, they can't _all_ be gay, I mean, our _parents_ weren't gay, right?"

The young girl and a few others looked somewhat hopeful.

Anko and Kuranai exchanged an uneasy glance. Anko sighed.

"Well Ino, there's something we need to tell you. See, genin teams...they get very...close."

All the blood drained out of the young kunoichi's faces. Many cries of disgust, horror, squicky-ness, jubilation (wait, what?), and terror rose into the sky, cause two or four men to stop kissing each other for half a second in curiosity before being pulled back by their disgruntled partner.

Ino was terrified, and slowly shook her head back and forth in disbelief. "N-not my team...right? No! Shikamaru and Choji aren't like that! Right? Right? RIGHT? I DON'T LIKE TO SHARE!"

Ino broke down and sobbed, huddling and rocking in a corner, babbling to herself.

"Sasuke! Sasuke's not into men! I still have a chance with Sasuke, right! Sasuke's alright! Yes! Sasuke's okay! Sasuke _has_ to not be gay! I can still have Sasuke! Yesss...Sasuke..."

Hinata was listening with half an ear to Ino's inane ramblings while she patted a crying Tenten on the back when she caught the bit about Sasuke.

Hinata looked up to Sakura, who was currently biting all of her nails, staring wide-eyed at nothing in particular, panic written all over her face.

"Hey, Sakura, what about Sasuke? I mean, I know you said he was asexual earlier, but, hey, at least he isn't gay. Does that mean he might be available? Does it? Please tell me it does!"

Sakura looked across the clearing (the clearing outside Konoha in which all the females of the village secretly convened every Thursday--very hush, hush you know) at Hinata.

"I don't know Hinata. I mean, I should be able to tell a little as his team mate, but, well, he has had that weird back and forth thing going on with Orochimaru. It's kind of creepy, really. I don't know, Hinata. I just don't know anymore."

Hinata buried her head in Tenten's shoulder, and they sobbed together. Temari looked at Sakura with a disgusted face.

"_Sasuke_ and that freak _Orochimaru_? Tell me you're joking. Please. Tell me you're joking."

Thankfully, Temari didn't realize that, across Konoha, Sasuke's insult-senses were tingling. The angsty, emo-pants teen furrowed his eye brows, muttering to himself. If anyone pulled their attention away from their boy-to--er...significant other...long enough, they might have heard him say something along the lines of "stupid woman" and "don't talk about him like that, he's just misunderstood" or some other completely unrelated subject. Yes. Completely unrelated.

Sakura shook her head. "Nope. I think somethin' is goin' on, but I haven't thought about it that much to keep the mental scarring I've already suffered to a minimum. Please, if you want to dwell on the subject, do it far from me."

Temari's face contorted as she talked about it, not respecting Sakura's mental scarring issues at all.

"I mean, really. That'd be pretty gross. Seriously, with that tongue..ugh, and his _neck_...oh, Kami. And then...think of all of his _followers_...I always wondered why they were so devoted...oh Kami. Oh _Kami_. I need a cigarette. Does anyone have a freaking cigarette? Where's my cigarette?"

Temari ran off in search of a Kami-damned cigarette and Sakura rubbed her hands over her ears, muttering "unclean, unclean" over and over.

During all of this Hinata came to a frightening conclusion while Tenten ran for someone who would cry with her more and have revelations less.

"Sakura...they are all gay."

"_Unclean..._I already _know_ that Hinata! _Unclean..._thank you for reminding me! _Unclean..._"

Hinata shook her head. "No, Sakura you don't understand. It isn't just the men in Konoha. All of the villains. Every villain we have ever faced is gay! All of them! Even the members of Akatsuki!"

"Hey! I'm not gay, yeah!"

All of the women, at hearing this wonderful, wonderful statement, turned their heads around so fast at the talking tree, the crack that sounded out could be heard in the Kazekage's office, even above the noise of Naruto and Gaara...ahem...filing paperwork. Yes. That's what they were doing in his office on his desk. With ropes. And chains. Filing paperwork. Ahem.

Most of the women didn't even care that it was Deidara, who had poofed into existence, replacing a tree that had been there a second ago. Following the reveal of Deidara were the multiple puffs of smoke emitted from various trees, rocks, bits of paper, and the occasional dead squirrel. Why a dead squirrel, we don't really know. But the kunoichi's didn't care! Someone out there was straight and interested in girls! _Thank Kami!_ However, Sakura and Hinata both adopted a fighting stance.

"Deidara!" Groaned the members of Akatsuki. "You blew our cover! A surprise attack on Konoha is called a 'surprise' attack for a reason!"

"Hey! I'm just defending my name, you know, yeah? _You_ wouldn't want to be called gay either, yeah?"

Most of Akatsuki made some uncomfortable, guilty, nervous motion. Except for Tobi. But hey, it's Tobi.

Kisame spoke for them. "Um, actually Deidara, there's something we, uh, need to talk to you about..."

Deidara blinked. "What're you talkin' about, yeah?"

"Well, you see Deidara, most of us are gay. Well, except for Konan and Pein but they're together, or at least should be."

At the 'but they're together, many, many of the kunoichi's sighed, somewhat depressed as every man was either taken or **gay**, but hey, at least they had Deidara. And the things he could do with those hands...

Konan and Pein looked at each other out of the corner of their eyes, eyebrows raised before quickly looking away, blushing.

Deidara was in shock, and his eyes grew as large and round as saucers.

"W-wait, what? Y-you're ga...Oh Kami. A-all those times? In the showers? And I...and it was like..."

Kisame nodded sadly, placing a hesitant hand on Deidara's shoulder.

"Yes, Deidara, it was like you were flirting with us. Don't worry, we understand you aren't gay and it was all in good fun. No harm done, don't worry, none of us are secretly in love with you. I think."

Kisame turned back to look at the gay members of Akatsuki with an eyebrow raised.

"_Right?_" All of Akatsuki nodded. "Yup, no secret interest in a straight guy in _this_ psychotic group of mass murderers." Sasori coughs.

"I just like men!"

"Shut up, Tobi."

Deidara burst into tears, practically slamming his face into his hands.

"I-I'm so s-sorry guys! A-all the gay jokes, yeah? Why? Why didn't you _stop me?_"

All the kunoichi's (except for Sakura) practically glomped Deidara, surrounding him in a circle of female bodies, Kisame scrambling out of the way (I mean, ew, girls).

"It's okay Deidara! We're here for you!" They chorused. "If you need _any_thing, just tell us!"

Deidara suddenly stopped sobbing, a malicious smile overtaking his features. "_Any_thing?"

All the kunoichi's grinned at him, catching his meaning. Oh, thank Kami, finally some tail.

"_Any_thing!"

They all pounced, dragging Deidara off to a far, far away clearing.

The last words heard from Deidara that night were, "Whoa, ladies, please, there is enough Deidara to go around!" ...and then the screaming began.

Everyone left, which consisted of Sakura and the rest of Akatsuki (except for Pein and Konan...wonder where they ran off to?), stood in awkward silence.

"Sooo..." Sakura said, trying to break said awkward silence. "Um, who're your respective partners, anyway? Just to, you know, clear things up."

The members of Akatsuki looked at Sakura, blinking. Tobi spoke for them. "Oh, we don't bother with that silly 'picking favorites' thing, if you know what I mean! It's just one massive orgy!"

Sakura stared at them all in unmasked horror and shock. Most of them had the grace to blush, the rest slapped hands over Tobi's face--they pulled off the mask to do so, but since there were so many hands, Sakura still couldn't see his face--to shut him up.

"I thought I said to _shut up, Tobi_," one of them hissed before slamming his mouth onto Tobi's. Sakura didn't get a good look at who it was, and she really, really didn't want to.

And it devolved from there. Soon, Akatsuki members were kissing, and touching, and pulling off clothes, and Sakura was running out of there as if the very demons of _Hell_ were on her tail. Don't get her, wrong, Sakura was, like most teenage fangirls, a fan of the Hoyay. That did _not_ in any _way,_ _shape_, or _form_, make her a _voyeur_. Hopefully not unlike many fangirls, but deep in her heart, Sakura knew that not to be true. Sigh. Curse them fangirls.

When she deemed herself a reasonable distance from all shinobi sexing it up, Sakura stopped at the base of a tree to catch her breath, panting as she pressed her back against a tree. Kami, that was scary. She never, _never_ wanted to see something like that again. She freaked out when suddenly Itachi was standing right in front of her, half expecting him to have been Pein and Konan getting...yeah, not going to finish that sentence.

"Sweet _Kami_, don't _do_ that, Itachi! You'll give me a long overdue heart attack!"

Itachi merely raised an eyebrow, unable to believe that an extremely healthy ninja girl like Sakura would be able to have a heart attack at the age of 17 or 20, or however old she was. Sakura recovered from her shock of having a cold, deadly, and hot damn _sexy_ ninja appearing right in front of her, and looked at him strangely.

"Um, not to be offensive in any way, but why aren't you..._back there_...with the other boy-toys?"

Itachi rolled his eyes and groaned, moving so he leaned against the tree next to Sakura.

"Unlike the majority of our numbers, I am in no way homosexual. I happen to like women more than men, thank you."

Sakura nearly sighed in relief. Oh, thank _Kami_.

"So if you aren't homosexual, then, um, why aren't you with...you know...Deidara...the girls..."

"With the giant orgy going on with approximately twenty sex-starved woman and only one--if I go, two--men? No. I don't _like_ orgies. If you are, as I believe, equally starved for sex, then why aren't _you_ with them?"

Sakura blushed. "I don't particularly like orgies either. Besides, I don't like to share."

"Me neither."

Sakura looked up at Itachi, who was looking down at her with a glint of...something in his sharingun eyes. Suddenly, Sakura realized _just_ how close Itachi was, extremely aware of every part of his body that touched hers, and her breath quickened.

"So," He said. "Wanna have sex?"

"YES!"

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--CK CRACK CRACK. Yeah, so, that was fun. We all love Deidara. Mmm....Deidara.

And seriously, there are almost _no_ recurring girls in naruto-verse. It seems like there are five girls and fifty-bajillion guys. C'mon. Chances are, some of those girls won't like to share or be shared.

Disclaimer~!: I do not own Naruto or it's many, many, _many_, characters, I just bend almost all of their sexual preferences. Nyeeh nyeeh nyeeeeeh....

Please Review! (Reviewers get virtual cookies)


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